Life happens. My goal is to be content. In my life I strive for happiness and satisfaction. Again, life happens. Life isn’t perfect. I believe that when life gets hectic and I get discontented about things, I have to remember that God is working in my life. God doesn’t want discontentment in our lives. I believe that if we restructure our thinking and realize that God wants our lives to be satisfied and happy we can become content. In the past I didn’t want contentment because I was missing the point of what it really means. As a Christian, my thinking has changed. I believe that God is always working on and in us. I also believe that I have to be thankful for the life that I was given. I realize now that being content is being satisfied in the present until you get where you’re going in the future. Sometimes easier said than done. I will take into account that situations can arise from discontentment but God is always working on where he wants me to be, so with this faith, I’m content.

Stability in Recovery-
When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder type 1 and addiction I hoped for a stable life.
Hope is an expectation of fulfillment.
My new life with this dual diagnosis started in April of 1995.
The first seven years of this new life was like an uncontrollable tidal wave. I was up, down, and all over the place.
I was hospitalized many times and lost every job I had for not being compliant with my recovery plan. My plan was to go to a psychiatrist, go to a therapist, go to 12 step programs, and take my medication as prescribed.
Instability happened when I was going to my psychiatrist and wasn’t being completely open and honest about the symptoms I was having and how I was feeling on the medication. I also wouldn’t take my medication as prescribed. I would take it when I remembered and sometimes I would miss doses. This would lead me to losing many jobs and would result in many hospitalizations.
The one thing I did do routinely was go to a 12-step program to keep my sobriety. This is how my life was for the first seven years.
I had to come to a self realization about my hopes. My expectation of stability to be fulfilled would have to start with action. My recovery plan would have to change.
I started by being open and honest with my doctor. I also started utilizing my therapist by working on my feelings, thoughts, and hopes with this new way of life. I continued on with my sobriety and I would take my medication at the same time every day and not miss a dose.
Slowly but surely my life started getting better. By doing these steps I got into a routine. I was getting the same amount of hours of sleep every night. Was blessed to get a good job. Then stability started to come.
I believe that any hope for a healthy recovery starts with action.
Believe in yourself, start a routine, and be open and honest with how you’re feeling.
This led to stability in my life. I have 18 years clean and sober, happily married, two beautiful children, own a home, and have been working steady at the same job for eight years.
Life will always have it’s ups and downs, there’s no perfection in life.
But with hope, turned into action, recovery can lead to stability.

I’m finding when I want to be creative and have no inspiration, it’s because of my ego.
A friend of mine from the past once told me what she believed ego stood for, “Edging God Out”.
When I think of that statement it really makes sense.
When you’re “Edging God Out”, you’re not attuned to the spirit. When that happens you’re only thinking of yourself. Then we build up walls around ourselves and aren’t able to release the negatives that grow inside of us.
When attuned to the spirit and not our ego, We are in harmony within ourselves. Because we are not only looking at ourselves but all of creation as one.
I believe when we are in harmony, we are all one. That’s what inspires me.
Have you ever been on a job working with others and the job goes easy?
Is it because you had differences, or was it because you were working together?
I believe the job went easy because you were working in unison.
That’s a lot like living within the spirit and not the ego.
As a creative person, when there’s no inspiration in my life, my life is not in harmony. That’s my indicator that my ego has taken over. My next step is to break down the walls, get myself balanced, and live within the spirit.
Breaking down the walls,
Letting go of the ego.
Watching as it falls,
My inspiration will show.

What is an awakening?
It is a breakthrough from the inside out. It is a breakthrough of walls and barriers that we create internally.
What causes these walls and barriers?
What causes the fear?
In my case, it is acceptance.
Why acceptance?
Because living with my dual diagnosis of bipolar disorder and addiction to alcohol/drugs there is a stigma.
Is there a stigma?
I’ll have to say, in my own mind.
In my case I put the fear of the unknown in front of me which builds the walls and barriers. The reason is, I don’t want anyone to judge me, but at the same time aren’t I prejudging?
That’s where the acceptance comes in. I have had an awakening in seeing my own stigma that I have put on myself. In seeing this awakening I have broke barriers and walls that I have internally.
In this awakening I have found, Freedom.
No fear.
No judgment.
How do you get to freedom?
In my opinion, Acceptance.
I feel once you accept yourself for who you are, so will the rest of the world.

No More Crutch is a book written of poetry, writings, and feelings from the early years of my recovery living with a dual diagnosis. My dual diagnosis consists of bipolar disorder and addiction to drugs/alcohol.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 1995 after a drug induced manic episode. I was going to an all night rave club in NYC for three consecutive weeks abusing drugs and alcohol when I went into my mania. After I was diagnosed I felt alone and withdrawn from the world. When I started writing I felt at peace. It was my way of getting my thoughts all together in one place, which is saying a lot when you’re manic. The more I started to write the better I felt. It was and still is my way to express my inner feelings and take a good look at my inner thoughts.

No More Crutch is a compilation of these writings which expresses the hardship of living with a mental illness and addiction.

To purchase No More Crutch, buy here on Amazon

Searching for myself piece by piece,
Like a puzzle scattered in front of me.
Searching for a reason,
So I can truly see.
Clearing my eyes,
The vision is there.
Focus is there,
Please don’t mind the stare.
The new dawn is what I see,
What does that mean to me?
The dawn is the power of the sun,
It’s when I’m at my best,
It’s when I have my fun.
With each new day I feel the pulse,
I’m alive,
In the moment,
Attuned to the presence of the spirit, the force.
The force is what drives me.
God in his Glory.
He revived me.
Only through him I’ve been saved.
Without him I’m enslaved.
Freedom has a name,
My savior.
In him I’m attuned.
He was the missing piece.
-Jason Insalaco

When looking for the light,
Are you in darkness?
When listening to the truth,
Do you hear?
When I’m going through adversity I’m always praying for an answer.
I believe in order to hear the truth,
We have to accept the light.
The light can come to us through an understanding of acceptance.
An acceptance that a change has to happen. I’ve found that many of us are creatures of habit, including myself. Knowing that, I believe that to get an understanding of acceptance we ultimately have to change to grow through the adversity.
Acceptance is the first step in all 12 step programs. That’s because if we can’t admit to the problem, change or recovery wouldn’t happen.
Believing that change can happen in life takes away the darkness and brings us to the light.
To hear, not listen, can bring us to the light of change.
I can tell when it’s heard, because the light is on.
When you hear is it on?

When change is needed.
When the prayers are answered.
When your own strength isn’t enough.
Rely on God.
Pray for clarity and open doors. To see where you are going. We all need clarity in our own journey.
When your vision is clear and your prayers are answered.

Many of my thoughts come and form into clouds. They can fill my head with darkness. It is key for me to be creative to express my thoughts into ideas and form a fire which is therapeutic. In this therapy art is formed. But it takes action. I must act to get the ideas done. Creation starts from thoughts which form ideas which takes action.
Lets act out our ideas.
Action is satisfaction.